Five-Minute "That Old Black Magic"
Friday, May 11, 2007
D'Argo: Isn't this a wonderful stage in my life? I get to visit a crowded planet in the middle of the Uncharted Terrorities to look for medicine for Rygel.Zhaan: I've had quite enough of your whining....D'Argo: Sometimes I ask myself, "What is it all for? What is the meaning of my existence?" Now, at last, I know the answer: my purpose, my destiny is to find medicine for Rygel. There can be no greater calling for a Luxan warrior.Zhaan: Oh, be quiet! Why do you bother carrying a sword when you could easily kill your enemies with this sarcasm?
Igg: I know stuff about you. Come see my non-evil master or I'll tell the world.Crichton: Oh yeah? What stuff exactly do you know?Igg: Oh, just a few little things... such as your extensive history of watching Coronation Street....Crichton: Lead the way.
Haloth: Welcome to my lair. My "assistant," who was not just me in disguise, is elsewhere.Crichton: So you're a magical pixie who can give me three wishes?Haloth: One. Budget cuts.Crichton: Very well: I wish Crais would quit chasing me.Haloth: Which he'll do after he kills you, right?Crichton: Well, yeah, but... oh, crap.
Aeryn: Oh no! Crichton's down!Zhaan: Try giving him mouth-to-mouth.Aeryn: Why me?Zhaan: Have you ever heard of a Crichton/Zhaan 'shipper?
Admiral Josbek: (over the comm) ....and so you are ordered to turn around and leave the Uncharted Territories, effectively ending the series. Heh heh. Right.Teeg: I'll go set the new course.Crais: No no, you didn't understand. That was a special order. We don't have to obey special orders.Teeg: How can you tell the difference?Crais: Well, special orders are the ones I don't want to --
Crais: -- follow. Hey! Where am I?Maldis: Welcome to my lair. "Haloth," who was not just me in disguise, is elsewhere. But look who is here!Crichton: Um... hi?Crais: YOU! Chaaaaarge!Crichton: This is the worst pixie-wish outcome ever.
Liko: Perhaps I can help you suckers. I was once a high priest of something.D'Argo: Wayism?Liko: No. But I'll gladly help your blue babe learn my techniques.Aeryn: Wayist techniques?Liko: No! If you want Wayism, go see that guy over there!Rev Bem: Ohhhh no you don't. You always saddle me with the weirdos.
Aeryn: Guard Crichton's corpse-ish thing, Rygel.Rygel: One of you had better have brought my medicine.D'Argo: Here... this'll either cure or kill you.Rygel: They didn't tell you which?D'Argo: I didn't ask.
Crais: DIE! DIE! DIEDIEDIE--Crichton: No. Instead, I'll show my mercy by passing up a chance to kill you.Crais: I take it that by "mercy" you mean "idiocy."Crichton: Well, duh.
Liko: Hurt this bird.Zhaan: Do I have to?Liko: Yes.D'Argo: May I?Liko: No! Boy, are you people dense....
Crais: Uh oh -- a big circular fire. I wish I were smart enough to think of going around it.Crichton: Well, you're not. Now allow me to explain: your brother's death was a big fat accident.Crais: Oh? Got any evidence?Crichton: Er, evidence... yes... um... of... course...."Tauvo's Ghost": Crichton killed me! He killllllllllled meeeeeeee!Crais: ARRRGH! Crichton must die!Crichton: Crais, don't be stupid! That wasn't a real ghost....Casper: Am too. Hey, it pays the bills.
Zhaan: I've dropped out of Liko's course. He was making me hurt stuff.Aeryn: Good call. Wanna help D'Argo and me?D'Argo: We're planning to go hurt stuff.Zhaan: Sigh.
Crichton: An obstacle-filled room where we can talk without being in striking distance... is this fortress well-designed or what?Crais: Whatever. I'll just talk about killing you.Crichton: Look, dolt, I'll say it again: I didn't ice your brother on purpose.Crais: Who cares? At this point I want you dead just for being your annoying, slang-filled self.
Crichton: I've figured out what you really are.Maldis: Then put away that garlic-scented crucifix and tell me what.Crichton: I invite you to guess.
Liko: You're back. Good. Now hurt the stupid bird already.Zhaan: Look, can't we at least hurt someone who deserves it?Rygel: (over the comm) You two both suck. Just thought I'd mention that.Liko: Yes, Zhaan. Yes, we can.
Crichton: Look, can we just truce for a few minutes?Crais: Sure.Crichton: Good. Now -- OWW! What kind of lousy truce is this?Crais: You said "truce"? I thought you said "slam Crichton in the face with a pipe."
Aeryn: Maybe we can get into the fortress by overloading my huge rifle.D'Argo: Gee, great idea -- disarm yourself.Pilot: (over the comm) You two know I'm sensitive about that word!D'Argo: Not till next week, you imbecile!Pilot: Ah yes. My mistake.
Rygel: This is great. One quick "funeral" and I get all of Crichton's stuff.Crichton's Ghost: Begone! Or I shall haunt you to the end of your daaaaaaaaaaaaays!Rygel: Casper, Casper, Casper... you'll take any job nowadays. Where's your dignity?Casper: I gave up on that when they started making the live-action movies.
Maldis: You know, if you killed Crais, I'd let you go.Crichton: Let's think about this, shall we? We've established that you feed on death and that I and my friends are powerless against you. Therefore, rather than killing me, of course you'd let me go. That makes perfect sense.Maldis: Okay, so logic isn't one of my priorities.
Liko: Well, you're ready now, so let's go fight Maldis. My mind to your mind....Zhaan: I'm getting a headache.Liko: That's normal.
Crais: If you're finally done trying to talk sense into my big dumb head, let's finally get back to beating each other up.Crichton: Oh, all right.Crais: Cool. DIE! DIE! DIEDIEDIE--Crichton: Hey, where'd he go?Maldis: Back to his ship, which I want. See, now he's guaranteed to keep chasing you.Crichton: What? That's preposterous! Not only was he already determined to kill me, but nothing that happened here gave him any more reason to!Maldis: Look, I told you about me and logic.
Zhaan: Fry, jerk-boy! BWAHAHAHAHA!Maldis: Um, excuse me? I believe I'm the villain here.Zhaan: Then who am I shooting?Crichton: YEAAAAAAAAGH!Zhaan: Oh no! Sorry, John. It's been a while since I've done the "violence" thing.
Rygel: Oh crap, you're alive! I mean, welcome back.Crichton: Are you wearing my shirt?Rygel: Of course not. I traded for this one.Crichton: It says IASA.Rygel: Coincidence.
Zhaan: Uh oh... that exertion killed you for some reason.Liko: Correction, my dear: no reason.
Teeg: Welcome back. How do you feel?Crais: Like killing Crichton -- even more than before.Teeg: That makes no sense, as was already explained.Crais: Yeah, but we can't let Maldis's plan go to waste. And you die for complaining.
Aeryn: Well done, you warrior, you.Zhaan: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!Aeryn: What's with her?D'Argo: You called her a warrior. You don't want to know what that means in her language.
Crichton: So, are you okay?Zhaan: Shut up or I'll rip your arm off.Pilot: (over the comm) Watch out -- she's not kidding!(Moya starbursts off at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
www.fiveminute.net/farscape/fiver.php?ep=thatoldblackmagic
posted by VICKY @ 7:24 PM,
0 Comments: